Alright, we’ve done it this time. Blue Collar Songwriting has officially succumbed to the stupifying, click-baiting form of prostitution that are “Top Whatever Lists.” Hey they are a lot of fun to read, actually. And write. So go easy on us. And don’t take them too seriously. Except for #3 and #4. HERE WE GO!
1. “Free Bird” Requests
I know that most of the folks who do this aren’t trying to heckle. And singer-songwriter types are renowned for being way too serious so, honestly, maybe there has been value to the “play ‘Free Bird'” requests that so many disinterested morons yell out during whatever concert their girlfriend or mistress dragged them too. I’m not saying ‘don’t do it.’ BCS is not and never will be a preachy site. Just know that one day, solo performers from all around the world will collectively and spontaneously combust at once due to the repressed anger we’ve all built up because of you Freebirders. Music will cease to exist completely. ‘Twill be a sad day, indeed.
Geez, come to think of it performers aren’t big fans of anyone requesting anything. There’s a “For shit’s sake, let me just go by my own set list for once” type of response whenever some audience member asks for a specific song to be played. The absolute worst is when a song is requested that not only isn’t one of the respective performer’s original tunes, but a song by an artist or band that said performer absolutely despises. So, dear fan, next time you go see a show please safely assume the following: The performer has carefully constructed a set list for the mere purpose of blowing your mind and they also don’t know, or want to know, any Sublime covers.
3. Loud Talkers
Don’t get me wrong. You should be able to go to a concert, chat with friends, not pay a shit-lick of attention to the live music, have your face crammed into your cell phones as your eyes are gradually obliterated into those of a 97 year old with glaucoma, laugh during the quiet songs, fart during the love songs, get hammered, assume that all the Facebook ads, flyers, posters, radio shows, podcast interviews etc. about the show are mistaken and actually you and your stroke-victim like dance moves are really the stars of the evening, stop dancing when some surly person tells you to please get your rotund patoot out of the way, depart the stage area to loudly have sex with whoever in the bathroom, get kicked out, drive into a sycamore trunk, and then spend the rest of your life in a prison wherein you’ll never see whatever performer you missed again, or anything remotely artistic, for that matter. But please, perhaps make it a goal to not do all or any of the above at least once.
4. Loud Talkers
In case you didn’t know, whichever hard working artist(s) trying to do their absolute best and bring people together through the undying power of music that you are watching on any particular night really, really, really wants you to stop being so fucking loud during the show. There is a time to dance, yell, tell jokes, take selfies from on stage and then get thrown directly out of the venue by a bouncer who could, no joke, squeeze your head like a grape. But PLEASE stop ruining the show for the more attentive folks. Love.
5. When you start to clap along but then stop almost immediately
Alright, will stop with the “don’t talk” pontification. But here’s the part where you can be loud. Take those two hands that the good Lord gave you and bring them together! Your hands are nature’s auxiliary percussion instrument. Music really is a communal experience. So clap clap clap clap clap. Try your very, very best to maintain a sense of rhythm but don’t worry too much about it. Just clap. Musicians almost always love it. At some point in history white concert attendees all collectively decided that they were never again going to put any effort into clapping along to live music. Not sure how or even when it happened, but it did. Let’s stop this. Let’s evolve in a better direction. Now give yourselves a round of applause.